Y’all have GOT to check out this video. It’s hilarious. Make sure you listen to it all the way to the end – it keeps getting better and better!!!
Never Let a Crackhead Sing at Your Funeral
LINK to video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTlYV5Jn9L0Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 2 so far )
I love this joke!
JOKE: Doctors Bragging
An Israeli doctor says ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.’A German doctor says ‘That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.’
A Russian doctor says ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’
The ILLINOIS doctor, not to be outdone, says ‘You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of ILLINOIS , put him in the White House for TWO MONTHS, and now half the WORLD is looking for work.’Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )
Thanks to DP King for sending me this. I love it!
5 year old child logic
“So, I was talking to this little girl, Catherine, the daughter of some friends, and she said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there with us – and I
asked Catherine – ‘If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?’
Catherine replied – ‘I would give houses to all the homeless people.’
‘Wow – what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine.’ I told her. ‘You don’t have to wait until you’re President to help the homeless, you can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in my
back yard and I will pay you $5 dollars. Then we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $5 dollars to use toward a new house.’ Catherine (who was about 5) thought that over for a second, while her mom looked at me seething, and Catherine replied, ‘Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and clean up the dog poop and you can just pay him the $5
And I said, ‘Welcome to the Republican Party’.”Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )
You’ve probably seen this before. I’ve had it emailed to me quite a few times, but it is soooo true that I decided I should post it.
The Death of Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; life isn’t always fair; and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses, and criminals received better threatment than their victims. Common Sense too a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his dauther, Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I’m A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 2 so far )
I love this!! Someone emailed it to me so I don’t know where it came from.
20 RULES OF RURAL MISSOURI/ARKANSAS:
1. PULL YOUR DROOPY PANTS UP. YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.
2. TURN YOUR CAP RIGHT, YOUR HEAD ISN’T CROOKED.
3. LET’S GET THIS STRAIGHT; IT’S CALLED A ‘DIRT ROAD.’ I DRIVE A PICKUP TRUCK BECAUSE I WANT TO. NO MATTER HOW SLOW YOU DRIVE, YOU’RE GOING TO GET DUST ON YOUR LEXUS. DRIVE IT OR GET OUT OF THE WAY.
4. THEY ARE CATTLE. THEY’RE LIVE STEAKS. THAT’S WHY THEY SMELL FUNNY TO YOU. BUT THEY SMELL LIKE MONEY TO US. GET OVER IT. DON’T LIKE IT? I-44 GOES EAST AND WEST, US 65 GOES NORTH AND SOUTH. PICK ONE.
5. SO YOU HAVE A $60,000 CAR. WE’RE IMPRESSED. WE HAVE $150,000 CORN PICKERS AND HAY BALERS THAT ARE DRIVEN ONLY 3 WEEKS A YEAR.
6. SO EVERY PERSON IN THE RURAL OZARKS WAVES. WE THINK OF IT AS BEING FRIENDLY. TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT.
7. IF THAT CELL PHONE RINGS WHILE AN 8-POINT BUCK AND 3 DOES ARE COMING IN, WE WILL SHOOT IT OUT OF YOUR HAND. YOU BETTER HOPE YOU DON’T HAVE IT UP TO YOUR EAR AT THE TIME.
8. YEAH, WE EAT TATERS & GRAVY, BEANS & CORNBREAD. WE FRY OUR FISH AFTER ‘CATCHIN’ ‘EM’. YOU REALLY WANT SUSHI & CAVIAR? IT’S AVAILABLE AT THE CORNER BAIT SHOP.
9. THE ‘OPENER’ REFERS TO THE FIRST DAY OF DEER SEASON. IT’S A RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY HELD EVERY FALL.
10. WE OPEN DOORS FOR WOMEN. THAT IS APPLIED TO ALL WOMEN, REGARDLESS OF AGE.
11. NO, THERE’S NO ‘VEGETARIAN SPECIAL’ ON THE MENU. ORDER STEAK. OR YOU CAN ORDER THE CHEF’S SALAD AND PICK OFF A POUND OF HAM & TURKEY.
12. WHEN WE FILL OUT A TABLE, THERE ARE THREE MAIN DISHES: MEATS (INCLUDES FISH), VEGETABLES, AND BREADS. WE USE FOUR SPICES: SALT, PEPPER, HOT SAUCE AND KETCHUP. AND OH, YEAH… WE DON’T CARE WHAT YOU FOLKS IN NEW YORK CITY CALL THAT STUFF YOU EAT… IT AIN’T REAL CHILI!!!!
13. IF YOU BRING ‘COKE’ INTO MY HOUSE, IT BETTER BE BROWN, WET AND SERVED OVER ICE.
14. YOU BRING ‘MARY JANE’ INTO MY HOUSE, SHE BETTER BE CUTE, KNOW HOW TO SHOOT, DRIVE A TRUCK, AND HAVE LONG HAIR.
15. COLLEGE AND HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL IS AS IMPORTANT HERE AS THE BEARS AND THE CHIEFS, AND A DANG SITE MORE FUN TO WATCH.
16. YEAH, WE HAVE GOLF COURSES. BUT DON’T HIT THE WATER HAZARDS—IT SPOOKS THE FISH.
17. COLLEGES? WE HAVE THEM ALL OVER. WE HAVE STATE UNIVERSITIES, COMMUNITY COLLEGES, AND VO-TECHS. THEY COME OUTTA THERE WITH AN EDUCATION PLUS A LOVE FOR GOD AND COUNTRY, AND THEY STILL WAVE AT EVERYBODY WHEN THEY COME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
18. WE HAVE A WHOLE TON OF FOLKS IN THE ARMY, NAVY, AIR FORCE, MARINES, & NATIONAL GUARD. AND OUR BIKERS ARE PATRIOTS AS WELL. SO DON’T MESS WITH US. IF YOU DO, YOU WILL GET WHIPPED BY THE BEST.
19. TURN DOWN THAT BLASTED CAR STEREO! THAT THUMPITY-THUMP CRAP AIN’T MUSIC, ANYWAY. WE DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE THAN WE WANT TO SEE YOUR BOXERS. (Besides, you’re going to rattle the paint off That flimsy piece of Japanese crap!) REFER BACK TO #1.
20. REFER BACK TO #2…Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )
Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain were flying to a debate.
Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, ‘You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.’
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, ‘I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.’
John added, ‘That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.’
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, ‘Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy.’
I’m voting for the pilot.Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )
Thanks to Lynn for sending me this joke. It makes an excellent point!
A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A NYT reporter has seen the whole scene and, addressing the biker, says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.’
“Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
“Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?”
“A Harley Davidson and I am a Republican.”
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the first page:
REPUBLICAN BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AN AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )
Y’all have got to check out the shirts at the site below. I love ’em. I should get the “Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms” shirt – very clever!
BridgetRead Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )
« Previous Entries