Divorce Agreement: It’s Time for the Two America’s to Divorce

Posted on February 28, 2009. Filed under: Conservatives, General, Politics, Socialism/Communism |

A friend sent this to me and I LOVE it!! Sad to say, but maybe it IS time for this. The liberal America is killing us so the Conservative America would probably be better off if we just split the country and go our separate ways!!

Divorce agreement: It’s  Time for the Two America’s to Divorce

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists,Marxists and Obama supporters, et al: We have stuck togethersince the
late 1950’s, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let’s just end it on friendly terms.We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own ways.

Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war,we’ll takeour firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep
Oprah,Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of
them).

We’ll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies,Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless,
homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and give youNBC and Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the
peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault,we’ll help provide them security.

We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam,Scientology, Humanism, Secularism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U. N..but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We’ll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can have the bureaucrat tell you which doctors you can consult; we will decide for ourselves.

We’ll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute Imagine, I’d Like to Teach the
World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our
history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,

John J. Wall Law Student and an American

P. S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.

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2 Responses to “Divorce Agreement: It’s Time for the Two America’s to Divorce”

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I suppose this is supposed to be tongue in cheek, because I have a hard time believing that such ignorant remarks would be made in earnest by someone who has actually been accepted into law school.

Reply to message:

Being a student of the law we would have thought you understood the Divorce process better than this. This is about “two groups” as you say so we will keep it in that context. Attached are some comments to your letter and a counter proposal for your consideration. You’ll be hearing from our lawyers soon.

DEAR AMERICAN LIBERALS,
LEFTISTS, SOCIAL PROGRESSIVES, SOCIALISTS, MARXISTS AND OBAMA SUPPORTERS, ET AL:

WE HAVE STUCK TOGETHER SINCE THE LATE 1950’S, BUT THE WHOLE OF THIS LATEST ELECTION PROCESS HAS MADE ME REALIZE THAT I WANT A DIVORCE.
This is just like you! You don’t even remember our anniversary! (July 4th, 1776) And remember too, the election process was part of our “nuptial” agreement and now you’re violating that because you didn’t like the outcome. That’s a pretty clear betrayal of our union. The judge won’t look to kindly at that.

I KNOW WE TOLERATED EACH OTHER FOR MANY YEARS FOR THE SAKE OF FUTURE GENERATIONS, BUT SADLY, THIS RELATIONSHIP HAS RUN ITS COURSE. OUR TWO IDEOLOGICAL SIDES OF AMERICA CANNOT AND WILL NOT EVER AGREE ON WHAT IS RIGHT SO LET’S JUST END IT ON FRIENDLY TERMS. WE CAN SMILE AND CHALK IT UP TO IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES AND GO OUR OWN WAY.
Irreconcilable differences? Hardly, we will show in court that this is a very one sided view. Over the last 9 months in our joint “counseling sessions”, the record will clearly prove our side has frequently made many attempts at compromise, yet your position has been almost exclusively, NO! We’re more than willing, if not anxious, to let the judge decide. And we should probably mention we’re claiming you have been domineering and abusive. We have numerous examples of this behavior over the last eight years, like all the times you called us hateful names like “traitor” just because we had a difference of opinion. The salutation in your letter is just one more typical example of that behavior. We will be submitting your letter as evidence. We have multiple witnesses from all around the world who will testify to your abusive behavior. We’re also going to bring up your irresponsible and domineering control of our “family” finances, despite our objections, over the last eight years. We have no doubt that we can prove this beyond the shadow of a doubt. We have a strong case that you have funneled much of our wealth offshore and have hidden away considerably more in complex corporations. Although those funds may be irretrievable, we believe the judge will take this into account when dividing the assets.

HERE IS A MODEL SEPARATION
AGREEMENT:OUR TWO GROUPS CAN EQUITABLY DIVIDE UP THE COUNTRY BY LANDMASS EACH TAKING A PORTION. THAT WILL BE THE DIFFICULT PART, BUT I AM SURE OUR TWO SIDES CAN COME TO A FRIENDLY AGREEMENT.
Not a chance! We don’t really see this as so difficult, but we think we’ll let the judge decide. We will though, propose a solution that displaces the least amount of our family. We’ll start with Red and Blue States and because that will give you much larger land mass, we’ll pick which additional States that we’ll take to even it out. You’ll have to cover the costs associated with relocating your people. All things considered, we’ll let the judge decide.

AFTER THAT, IT SHOULD BE RELATIVELY EASY! OUR RESPECTIVE REPRESENTATIVES CAN EFFORTLESSLY DIVIDE OTHER ASSETS SINCE BOTH SIDES HAVE SUCH DISTINCT AND DISPARATE TASTES.
We do believe there are a few things we can probably agree on, however, beyond that, rather than “horse trading”, we’ll probably let the judge decide.

WE DON’T LIKE REDISTRIBUTIVE TAXES SO YOU CAN KEEP THEM.
Done! But don’t think this gets you out of “support payments.”

YOU ARE WELCOME TO THE LIBERAL JUDGES AND THE ACLU.
Done. In fact we’re taking the entire judicial system since you hate it so much. True it may have some flaws but we don’t see how you’ll get by without it. It’s a core part of the government. You can keep Street Justice. BTW, we’ll be sure to let you know when the judge will hold the first divorce hearing. (You really should have thought this out before making the offer.)

SINCE YOU HATE GUNS AND WAR, WE’LL TAKE OUR FIREARMS, THE COPS, THE NRA AND THE MILITARY.
Well it’s not that simple. We’re looking at joint custody here, although we might be willing to make a deal on the NRA. Oh, and while you reminded us, you’ll soon be served with a restraining order. The judge felt your aggressive and threatening behaviors warranted it. You should probably be aware that you won’t legally be allowed to posses your guns while this is in force.

YOU CAN KEEP OPRAH, MICHAEL MOORE AND ROSIE O’DONNELL (YOU ARE, HOWEVER, RESPONSIBLE FOR FINDING A BIO-DIESEL VEHICLE BIG ENOUGH TO MOVE ALL THREE OF THEM).
Oh, we’re keeping them, but we’ve concluded we won’t be needing to move them. We will note the attempt at insulting them though.

WE’LL KEEP THE CAPITALISM, GREEDY CORPORATIONS, PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES, WAL-MART AND WALL STREET.
Well, we may be fairly close on this one in principle. However, generally we think these should pretty much just stay where they physically are, but maybe in some cases we can work something out. As for the pharmaceutical companies, some of these are actually foreign owned, but beyond those, maybe we can trade them for something else. (We’re finding we can buy the prescription drugs a lot cheaper from Canada) We’ll physically have possession of Wall Street, but we’re willing to give up quite a few of the players.

YOU CAN HAVE YOUR BELOVED HOMELESS, HOMEBOYS, HIPPIES AND ILLEGAL ALIENS.
Generally, we’re OK with this, however it might be better to just leave them where they are if they’re legal. We could potentially give you some of the illegals as you’re going to have most of the border with Mexico anyway and you guys seem to believe you have a solution for this problem.

WE’LL KEEP THE HOT ALASKAN HOCKEY MOMS, GREEDY CEO’S AND REDNECKS.
Done. No argument here. We won’t narrow the Alaskan hockey moms to just the “hot” ones though. Based on differences of opinion, we really don’t want to get stuck with Palin. We could probably throw in most of the “religious right” if they want to go.

WE’LL KEEP THE BIBLES AND GIVE YOU NBC AND HOLLYWOOD .
That’s a start, we’ll be OK with electronic copies of the bible in most cases but we’ll probably need some for swearing-in in our courts. Well take pretty much the entire media as you guys think it’s all left wing anyway. However, you guys can have Fox News and AM radio. You’d probably censor it all down to just that anyway.

YOU CAN MAKE NICE WITH IRAN AND PALESTINE AND WE’LL RETAIN THE RIGHT TO INVADE AND HAMMER PLACES THAT THREATEN US. YOU CAN HAVE THE PEACENIKS AND WAR PROTESTERS. WHEN OUR ALLIES OR OUR WAY OF LIFE ARE UNDER ASSAULT, WE ‘LL HELP PROVIDE THEM SECURITY.
There you go again with the aggressive and threatening talk again! You do know this won’t help you in our court?? We’ll take the peaceniks and war protesters. The “rights” however are essentially intangibles and aren’t up for division. Your view of rights is just more evidence of your domineering personality. You really probably shouldn’t bring this up in front of the judge. (It might be interesting to see who admits to being your allies.)

WE’LL KEEP OUR JUDEO-CHRISTIAN VALUES… YOU ARE WELCOME TO ISLAM, SCIENTOLOGY, HUMANISM AND SHIRLEY MCCLAIN. YOU CAN ALSO HAVE THE U.N. BUT WE WILL NO LONGER BE PAYING THE BILL.
Again with the intangibles. We’ll take Shirley, we’re not discriminating. As for the UN, we’ll have the headquarters anyway and as it’s pretty unlikely you’ll be allowed membership, so we wouldn’t expect you to contribute.

WE’LL KEEP THE SUVS, PICKUP TRUCKS AND OVERSIZED LUXURY CARS. YOU CAN TAKE EVERY SUBARU STATION WAGON YOU CAN FIND.
Now you’re just showing your childish logic. You can keep whatever vehicles you have now and we’ll keep what we’ve got. I’m sure we can work some deal on replacement parts. We’ll be in control of most of that stuff. Our Union folks won’t like it, but we’re pretty sure we can work something out, although it might end up costing you.

YOU CAN GIVE EVERYONE HEALTHCARE IF YOU CAN FIND ANY PRACTICING DOCTORS.
We’ve already decided this. For the health care system, you guys can have the health insurance companies and we’ll take all the providers. Their allegiances are pretty much that way as it is and you guys obviously don’t think health care is too important anyway. We’ll have no trouble proving that if you’d rather just leave it up to the judge.

WE’LL CONTINUE TO BELIEVE HEALTHCARE IS A LUXURY AND NOT A RIGHT.
We’re assuming your people will be free to believe whatever they want. Maybe that’s a bit presumptuous on our part, however that’s up to you and we see that belief as an intangible not subject to being divided up.

WE’LL KEEP THE BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC AND THE NATIONAL ANTHEM. I’M SURE YOU’LL BE HAPPY TO SUBSTITUTE IMAGINE, I’D LIKE TO TEACH THE WORLD TO SING, KUM BA YA OR WE ARE THE WORLD.
Well, we think this may merit discussion in the court. As you are the one asking to get out, you’ll be the “new” country. Arguably these songs belong to us, not you. You may want to refresh your memory a bit. The Battle Hymn of the Republic was written during the last time you tried to leave and it was a rallying song for our side against yours. The National Anthem originally goes back to the War of 1812, but the 5th stanza was added likewise in 1861 as a rally cry for us against you. Because of these facts, we are quite certain the court will decide in our favor. But really, you probably ought to consider something new that speaks more to your current actions anyway.

WE’LL PRACTICE TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMICS AND YOU CAN GIVE TRICKLE UP POVERTY YOUR BEST SHOT.
Choose whatever you want. We’ll be continuing with the system in place now, however it’s pretty likely we’ll be implementing the reforms you’ve been blocking for quite a while.

SINCE IT OFTEN SO OFFENDS YOU, WE’LL KEEP OUR HISTORY, OUR NAME AND OUR FLAG.
Well, we’ve never heard any of our people being “offended” by these things. Maybe sometimes embarrassed by some actions taking place in our country’s name. We’re pretty sure most of that goes away when you do. Your history is just starting now as you are the one leaving the union. You may be able to trace your ancestors to the same source as us, but you won’t “own” the history. (This is just another example of your perverted views on what you can think of as being a possession.) You can submit this to the court if you want, but we’ll both be sharing our history until the day the divorce is final. From then on you’re writing your own history. As for the name, let’s get real, you want to divide up our country and you think you are entitled to call your band of rebels the United States of America? Oh yeah, that really makes sense. LOL! Not gonna’ happen! As for the flag, well you don’t get that either for the same reasons. We’re probably going to need to update it after you leave, as the 50 stars will loose their meaning. Just a suggestion, but a lot of people in your territory still have flags representing the last time you tried to leave. Maybe you should consider that one again.

In closing, might we remind you that we have been together for a long time now and most of us credit our original “nuptial” agreements for giving us the strength to endure. We have been through some good times and some bad times. We went through a very painful break-up once before, a long time ago. But somehow we managed to re-unite. Maybe we forgot many of the lessons learned. Maybe you’re still carrying some baggage from those days. Some of us have moved past that long ago. We’re going through a very difficult and precarious time right now. You and we have different views of how best to get through this. Change will happen whether you like it or not. You can’t be in control all the time. You’re not a child who can “take his ball and go home”. We are willing to listen to your issues and concerns and will try to be accommodating, but let’s be perfectly clear, that doesn’t mean you get your way. If you continue with your, “my way or the highway” attitude, you’ll be choosing the highway. Make no mistake about it!

So the truth is, it’s up to you. We don’t want to see you leave. We think we can still make this work, but frankly you need to stop being so bullheaded. You’ve still got time to get things right. We’re not going to insist on an apology, (although it wouldn’t hurt), but your behavior needs to change and fast. You’ve had more than enough time to pout.

Sincerely,
The People in control of the great United States of America, as duly chosen through our democratic process.

P.S. Despite what you may think, we don’t hate you!

WOULD YOU AGREE TO THIS? IF SO,
PLEASE PASS IT ALONG TO OTHER LIKE MINDED LIBERAL AND CONSERVATIVE PATRIOTS AND IF YOU DO NOT AGREE, JUST HIT DELETE. IN THE SPIRIT OF FRIENDLY PARTING, I’LL BET YOU ANWAR WHICH ONE OF US WILL NEED WHOSE HELP IN 15 YEARS.

SINCERELY,

JOHN J. WALL
LAW STUDENT AND AN AMERICAN

P.S. ALSO, PLEASE TAKE BARBARA
STREISAND, JANE FONDA & NANCY PELOSI No problem, we can handle diverse views.


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